**Title: The Hilarious Job Interview: A Lie Detector Tale**
**Introduction:**
In today’s competitive job market, companies are going to great lengths to ensure they hire the right candidates. One such method is the use of lie detectors during interviews. Let’s dive into a humorous and slightly awkward interview experience with Mr. Hanson, who encounters the Lie Detector 3000.
**The Interview Begins:**
“So, Mr. Hanson,” the interviewer starts. “As you know, we require all prospective employees to take a lie detector test before joining our firm. If you don’t mind, we’re going to begin with a couple of control questions.”
“Should I be hooked up to something?” Mr. Hanson asks.
“With the old system, yes. But with the new Lie Detector 3000, it’s programmed to go off when it hears you tell a lie. For example, go ahead and tell an obvious lie.”
“Grass is blue.” [BEEP]
“I am a tall, black man.” [BEEP]
“I’ve never seen Jersey Shore.” [BEEP]
“I love it. I’ve never missed one. I’ve heard good things.”
**Calibrating the Machine:**
“Now, go ahead and say something that is true so we can properly calibrate the machine.”
“I have a twelve-inch penis.”
“That’s kind of weird; it should have gone off.”
“Why?”
“Because there’s no way you… I have a twelve-inch penis. Actually, it might be thirteen.” [BEEP]
“No? I guess it’s twelve.”
“Wait, seriously?”
**The Truth Comes Out:**
“Hey Mike, did you get a chance to email me those mission statements?”
“Uh, yeah! I did it last night.” [BEEP]
“I did it this morning.” [BEEP]
“All right! I haven’t even started yet.”
“Wow, Mike, you’re the best!” [BEEP]
“You suck. I’ll be back at my desk working.” [BEEP]
“I’ll be playing Angry Birds on my phone.”
**Personal Questions:**
“Please state your full name.”
“Dane Christopher Hanson.”
“Is it true that you reside at 1444 North Sierra Bonita Avenue?”
“Yes. Apartment 3.”
“How do you do it, man?”
“Oh, when I moved here, I went on Westside Rentals.”
“No… It’s like 80 dollars.”
“No, how do you live with a twelve-inch penis? I mean, how is that even possible?”
“Okay, I’m getting a little uncomfortable with this line of questioning.”
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. You’re right. I mean, it’s just that twelve inches, that is like a freaking beef bus! You know what I’m sayin’?”
“Why are you—why are you so concerned about my penis anyhow? I mean, are you gay or something?”
“What? No!” [BEEP]
“Hey! Nobody loves pussy more than I do!” [BEEP]
“All right. I’m a flaming homosexual. But do me a favor? Don’t tell anybody because nobody knows.” [BEEP]
“Everybody knows.”
“So wait, tell people?”
“No!”
**The Final Question:**
“Have you ever been fired from a job before?”
“No.” [BEEP]
“Three times.”
“Have you ever stolen from an employer before?”
“No.” [BEEP]
“All right! Dammit!”
“How much would you say you’ve stolen before?”
“Hundred dollars.” [BEEP]
“Five hundred dollars.” [BEEP]
“So much I’ve lost count.” [BEEP]
“44,793 dollars.”
“That’s a lot of money, Dane.”
“Well—I had Cancer.” [BEEP]
“I bought a boat. And named it Cancer.”
“I’m going to be honest, Dane. This interview is going really well.”
“Yeah?” [BEEP]
“No. This is the worst interview I’ve ever been a part of. Normally, you’d be gone. However, company policy dictates I ask you one final question.”
“Okay.”
“Would you ever have sex with a man in order to get a job?”
“No.” [BEEP]
“Welcome to the firm.”
**Conclusion:**
In the end, Mr. Hanson’s interview with the Lie Detector 3000 was anything but ordinary. While the lie detector revealed more than he intended, it seems honesty—or a lack thereof—was the key to landing the job. Remember, in interviews, it’s always best to be truthful, but maybe leave the lie detector at home.